In keeping with the OC's internationally recognised commitment to the arts, we present an imaginary dialogue set in state National Party leader Peter Ryan's bunker:
DRAMATIS PERSONNAE:
Peter Ryan - Leader of the National Party in Victoria. Keen to celebrate the demise of the annoying McGauran clan and reassert his power over their Gippsland stronghold.
Darren Chester - Suspiciously well-groomed gent with a passion for City clubs while working late nights at Spring Street. Otherwise, destined for great things as a country member. National party candidate for Gippsland and Peter Ryan's chief of staff.
Darren McCubbin - Labor's candidate, local mayor and supporter of the arts smited in Glenn Milne's column this morning for allegedly providing a "platform for pervs" at a Commonwealth funded local arts festival which included a very exotic performance involving "necrophiliacs, murderers, chronic masturbators, prison bitches and Jesus freaks!"
Glenn Milne - Grumpy Australian journalist who was so infuriated by a story the OC had written one time that he thumped Stephen Mayne live on stage at the journalists' union awards night. Confusing, I know, but certainly no more so than one of Milne's young producers when he was at Channel 7 who was left very confused by Milne's strange ways. If that's too subtle for you, you need to listen to more Grail gossip next time you're in CBR.
The Beautiful Losers Cabaret - Filthy "cabaret" show which belts out odious lyrics like "From those who simply wet the bed/To those who actually f--- the dead." It also contains tunes about "sex with dogs." Naturally it was described in The Age as "a bright, inventive, clever show." We can only presume their criminal diversion programme participant and gossip Lawrence Money got a double-serving of his usual supply of free tix. He loves a cheap thrill.
SCRIPT IN DEVELOPMENT:
Ryan: "Hey young one, nice work leaking that review of the gay play put on at the arty farty festival run by that fairy McCubbin. Brilliant idea giving it to Milne too, he's so needy these days with Cossie out of the picture."
Chester: "Thanks boss, that'll get their minds off energy jobs and onto gay jobs of a kind which dare not speak their name."
Ryan's Acting COS (hoping for a successful byelection so Chester's absence is permanent): "Keep it clean, DC. Hey I'm just looking at this website for the WaterWater festival which was the scene of the depravity. It's a bit hard to make out but is that the Australian Government logo I see there?"
Ryan: "When was this bloody festival?"
Acting COS: "Ah, last year boss..."
Chester: "Oh f*ck. I think this might have been a case of premature accusation."
Ryan (incredulous): "You mean we gave these pervs money when we were in government? We gave taxpayer money to a sex show that was celebrating 'c*ck-stroking' and 'neckophilia' ?
Acting COS: "That'd be right. George Brandis was Arts Minister too. I think he got sucked in by all those arts wankers."
Chester: "Bloody lawyers."
Ryan: "Ease up, we're not all pinkos like George. And unlike you dumb f*cks a lawyer would at least check a website of an arts festival to make sure we weren't linked to it ourselves before slagging it off..."
Chester: "Jeez boss, I much preferred the back passage to all this stressful front of stage work. It's not easy being bent over double all the time... I'm not sure I can take it anymore."
Ryan: "If that annoying little tosser McGauran can hold this seat for twenty years, you'll be fine AC, sorry DC."
Game on.
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